Hyper stressed I was when I left Scotland in January to prepare for my BASI ISIA tech and do my assessment in Morzine. Mums condition was worsening, 2 days before I left the country my bedroom flooded, we discovered my water was seriously contaminated and getting more and more worried about the financial situation as I wouldn't be working for at least a month, all together not a good cocktail and it got worse as in the end I didn't return to Scotland until the middle of April. My mum died on the 10th February after seven years of battle against 3 tumors in the brain, I ended up not working all winter after having also worked very little during the summer, my house flooded twice in the time I was abroad, I got pretty seriously ill and I failed my BASI teach assessment.. Despite all of this there were still very good moments they just didn't feel like that at the time. But let's write about those good things!!!!
Beginning of January I left for Chamonix to meet up with Unai, Patxi and Jokin. I spend two days giving them some coaching on the slopes and after went off for some touring. The weather was stunning and although there wasn't as much snow as last year it was still pretty good for that time of the year. I took the boys to do Crochues-Berard. We had great weather, with stunning views. The day after we went to Morzine to check the slopes out for my assessment the following week. We skied without stopping and covered more snow than I have ever done before! The following day I didn't feel great and had a rest day whilst Unai and Patxi went over to ski Le Tour glacier and Jokin went of to Grand Montet.
The 2 weeks that followed I did my BASI ISIA tech assessment. Despite having a few days of torrential rain(!!!) the assessment was great. Tough but fun and inspiring. The most difficult thing was that my mum was so ill and I didn't knew whether I should be home or not. The day I past my assessment I phoned home to tell my mum and dad. Mum burst out in tears and told me it was time to come home now.
I went straight home and spend the next two weeks at my mum's side together with the rest of the family. Unai came over straight away and it was so good having him around. He played the guitar for my mum when she was restless and it calmed her down immediately even when she was in coma it was incredible the effect it had on her. She died on the 10th of February. The funeral was a celebration of her life and her strength right until the last day she was conscious was inspired us all and gave us strength and helped us through the time that followed.Despite the special last moments together the two weeks before her dead and the time that followed after were incredibly difficult for us all. My mum had decided not to continue with the medication she received to keep the fluid in the brain down. This would mean that the fluid would slowly build up around her brain and compress the brain which would lead her to go in a coma. Entirely sure about how things would go nobody knew exactly. It was very brave of her to decide to stop. To all of us it looked daunting and scary not to know what would happen and how her body would react.
She was very tired and her body was eaten by the Dexamethason. Over the course of this past year she slowly had to give up all her independence and witnessed how her own body became a foreigner to her. It was painful for us but especially for her and my father. Because she was not mentally affected she experienced everything that happened to her without being able to help herself. It was hard, bloody dam hard! How she remained so positive until the end and so calm I do not understand. I think slowly she gave herself over and focused on the little things she could still enjoy like food, the grandchildren, the birds in the garden. My mum was a very independent person who loved gardening. As time went on she could do less and less until in the end she couldn't go to the toilet anymore on her own, neither walk. She went to all processes of grief you could imagine. From anger to frustration, lonelyness, intense sadness and in the end acceptance and relaxation. She was very calm the weeks before she died and she often smiled and said to us that all would be all right, we didn't have to worry, she wasn't scared of dying anymore, she was happy and loved us all and she kept on reassuring that all would be ok with us too. She would always be with us. She asked us the day she stopped her medication to get all her brothers and sisters round the next day to say by to them all and to celebrate life. So there we were the next day my mother in the middle...it was like a biggg birthday!! Everybody was drinking wine, crying, laughing, eating cake and when time came for them to go, she spoke to all individually. Then she waved all goodbye from her bed through the window as they walked passed. Two days later she started to drift away but on the third morning I had a dream that she was calling me and when I went downstairs there she was awake. she kept asking for us all to come down, my father, my brothers, Unai, it was incredible. She laughed and kept telling us she loved us. This lasted until midday and then she drifted into a permanent coma. For us this was the most difficult period because we were so helpless. The thought that she would get dehydrated and slowly her organs would shut down was shit and you could see that she suffered. You could see and hear it when she was in pain or when she had difficulty breathing and you could do nothing. It was scary at times. She also was aware of everything that went on around her. On the morning she died the home care told us it wouldn't be long and they said we should go and sit next to her bed. She lived for another ten minutes and we were all right by her side when she died. It wasn't scary, it was a privilege. My mum had organised her own funeral completely before she died. She had chosen her own coffin, she told us what the service needed to be like and the clothes she wanted to wear in her coffin had been hanging ready for nearly 6 months. She had asked me if I wanted to wash and dress her after she had died. And there I was, I just did it without feeling scared. I think I just felt love and respect for my mum, for her courage. It all happened over time but still so quick. It wasn't until weeks after that everything started to come to me. I keep having moments that I think about the moment just after she died and I had to wash her almost immediately. It went all like a rapid and only now time stops and I reflect and feel.
Her funeral was beautiful if you could call a funeral happy, then certainly hers was! It was white, and full of energy and love. People left crying and laughing and celebrating a life. There were many people speaking touching words. My older brother read out poem of a poet she loved, my younger told a joke...the only joke my mum knew and she kept telling you every time you saw her...and she could never finish it because she would be laughing so much. I did a reflection, a reflection on love. I didn't realize until after how appropriate it was as she was buried on Valentines day!!
I got really ill and felt very depressed and things only started to get better when I returned to Scotland. Also my dad got ill and both my brothers went through their own moments. And the truth is these moments keep coming.. in fact I found it more difficult at times now to deal with her dead than just before and after her funeral. Maybe because now it is all sinking in and it is only now I really have time to think about all that has happened properly.
After my mum's funeral I went to Bilbao with my dad and Angelique. We spend a week trying to relax and find time for ourselves. The weather was great and it was wonderful to be back with Unai. We laughed, cried, spoke about the beautiful times with my mum, about the difficult times of my mum.
Time came for Dad to go home and I was heading off to the Pyrenees to do some prep for my BASI ISIA teach.
In the Pyrenees I did some coaching for Unai's friends as bit of training for my up and coming assessment followed by a week touring in the Val d' Aran. unfortunately everything was just to much. I was so run down after all the emotions and difficulties of the past year that I just couldn't enjoy it and on top of it I got very ill with an infection during our touring in the Val D'Aran. I ended up in the hospital in Vielha. Then went straight back to Bilbao to try and recover and be ok for my assessment that was only a week later. I didn't get better. Instead I got more ill and my assessment was a nightmare. I ended up with an allergic reaction to the antibiotics and was back in the hospital on the Saturday after my assessment. I didn't pass but it didn't really matter as I was feeling so rubbish it was nothing I suppose in comparison with everything else that had happened during the year. Still it hurt... that's the honest truth.
Gavarnie and Val d'Aran touring
After my epic time on our way back we visited friends of Unai in Baqueira. Unai had to do a skiing entry assessment and he passed which was great. After a few days we went back to Bilbao. We spent a very short time at the house before heading on to the Picos for some final touring together. I felt a bit better and we had a great couple of days.
Some final days with Unaitxu and Haitz touring in the Picos
Time came to go back to Scotland. I was looking forward to it but had mixed feelings. Looked forward to see my friends, visit my house that hadn't seen for over 4 months, back to work etc but it also meant another goodbye. It get's harder all the time. I am looking forward now to move to Bizkaia. Still a few months away but it will be so much better to be together, work on our projects together and not having to travel back and forward all the time and having to say bye.
Some other pictures of the end of the winter in Bizkaia.
Christel
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