Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A reflection

I don't quite know where to start or better said I don't know wether I should start at all. As this year has been so turbulent, sad and stressful I can't get myself overly motivated to write about it. However despite all the bad moments there were also many good ones even though I didn't experience them as such at the time as I really couldn't care less where I was or what I was doing towards the end of last summer and during the past winter. Many people have said to me how lucky I have been to be away so much in different countries, on different adventures etc but the only place I wanted to be really deep in my heart was at home with my family or working so that I felt I did something useful. I didn't work at all last winter and I probably should have spend more time with my family instead of being so stupidly driven to do more training, more assessments etc. I couldn't get myself to think that all my trips away weren't a holiday but were part of training and experience towards my assessments etc. I only was thinking of guilt all the time and never really knew for sure whether I had made the right decision or not at that particular time. One of my assessments I didn't even pass after all the training and effort. I got very ill on the lead up to it and during the assessment I got worse. I was in hospital twice. Probably completely run down and washed out after my mums funeral. On top of that I experienced the worst assessor and subsequently assessment I have ever done. But never mind, it is just an assessment and not the end of the world, true but it is a big cut in the good old finances of which I didn't really gain any positive experience. I always thought I was so positive and strong but this year I broke big style. Any little disturbance in my life this year felt like the biggest wall I would ever climb in my life and every wall no matter big or small I felt I would never be able to climb. Now nowhere near the top of many of my walls I am climbing though and that is a good thing!!

The family 4 months before mum died

I will write some positiveness on this blog, don't let me worry you or drag you down in my own doom and gloom but I have also realized that there is no such thing as always positive and always happy and so there is not point in pretending I am currently in that frame of mind. Probably so far the worst year out of my life. Well you might say there are many people that are a lo worse of than you, True again but I am not all these other worst people, I am Me and I have so my own problems. I found it hugely sad that I have done such amazing things this year, been to so many nice places, met the nicest bloke in the world but I didn't experience many sensations of joy. No matter how hard I tried I just felt depressed and wanted to do nothing but nothing at all. My first time this year I started to feel some moments of enjoyment again has been when I came back to the UK and started working again, probably as I started to feel useful and was starting to earn some pennies again, being able to spend time in my own environment again, being in my own doss between my own things and seeing my own friends again. Also my recent trip to Turkey I lived some good, enjoyable moments although I am know where near the positive, happy, smiley girl I used to be. I have been trying so bad to get back that sensation of really living and experiencing everything I do but for some reason most things I do these days feel more like an yet another day away without serious meaning. There is, well how will I describe it, maybe it is like no fulfillment.

DSCF9346 The references in my life

Many people would call me ungrateful but I am not ungrateful of the things I have done this year and the things others have done for me, in fact it is more a feeling of guild towards all the people that are trying so hard to make me feel better and yet I am still so far away from being better, it is more like an up and down all the time. I you will continue reading, you will read about all those amazing adventures and about the illness and last precious moments of my mum and how lucky we were as a family to be together when my mum died. Everything full of love and support and yet still I feel without energy and quite depressed. I look at photos of a year and a half back and I am seriously wondering wether that's really me I am looking at. That smiley girl with a glow on her face and an expression of excitement and energy. I constantly feel on edge, I snap at the people I love most over the minutest things, I shout at people in on the road whilst I am the one that is driving like a maniac and so on. I often wonder myself whether this is normal or not. The only thing for myself I can say is that this wasn't the me that was a year and ago. Maybe not necessarily abnormal but a different, more serious me. There is not much to do other than accept the current situation and go with it, hopefully more positive and returning to that happy, cheery, energetic person that once was.

DSCF9332 Mother and daughter